Well, it’s been awhile since I have made an entry. So, for those of you who aren’t in the loop, I just had surgery on my heel. (That’s a whole different story I will regale you with later) Anyway, I just wanted to comment on this a little bit. Today I took the dressings off my leg to take a shower and to my surprise I found I had turned into, from the knees down, Frankenstein’s monster. They just don’t match any more. My left leg muscles have atrophy quite a bit. By contrast, just to make things worse, my foot is still swollen. It’s a tad alarming to look at. Luckily, I’m not superficial. Otherwise I might have been a little concerned about my beautiful, perfect legs… once flawless. (Sigh)

Now I know some of you are thinking “Frankenstein’s monster from the knees down? What about from the neck up.” Well, all I have to say about that is… um… yo’ mama is… bitch. But I digress. Long story short. I look like Tiny Tim’s out of shape, borderline alcoholic, smoke happy doppelganger.

fortune cookie says:

'Happier days are definitely ahead for you, struggle has ended.'

"you ask me why does life hate me. i ask why do you hate life."

Well, cats and kittens, it’s been awhile but your friend and mine is back at the keyboard. So, if you are ready for insightful commentary: the rare insightfulness that not only racks your brains with new ideas but rattles your life with a brand spankin’ new purpose for being, the true essence of art; where you not only look and listen but become one with the creative flow, dramatic observations; stories of the ultimate beauties and horrific terrors of the world told through the eyes of a young poet that take your breath away with joy and tears, if you are ready for such a fantastic journey there is only one thing I have to say. You will get none of that here. So, now that I feel good about myself for tearing you hopes asunder I will tell you what you will get. Me ranting and raving about inconsequential bullshit. Me bitching about that old lady that has had her goddamn left turn signal on for the pass fifty miles. Me telling joke that only I think are funny. Me making gut wrenching grammatical errors and… not correcting them. But, that’s why this is my weblog and not yours. So, read on, my friends, read on and moderately tolerate the verbal diarrhea I have just carelessly smeared across your computer screen.

“God has an Anthony-complex.”

fortune cookie says:

'If your desires are not extravagant, they will be granted.'

Is it wrong to have a shot named after you at the local bar? Sure, it’s fun but.. No, on second thought everything is in the green. Drink on, my friend, drink on.

“I’m not crazy. I am eccentric. The difference you ask? Being eccentric means that you have a 50% chance of me not biting your nose off the next time you call me crazy.”

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die."

-Mel Brooks

Never in my wildest dreams did I believe as a poor child growing up living in small house by the train tracks that when I grew up I would hear people ask me to join them at their house for a soak in their Jacuzzi or to come to visit them for a while at their chalet in the Alps. It’s all quite new and odd for me.

fortune cookie says:

'You have a yearning for perfection.'

fortune cookie says:

'It's time you asked that special someone out on a date.'

You know, there are so many things wrong with that fortune that I don't even know where to begin.

'Do Lawd, come down here and walk amongst yo people
And tek 'em by the hand and telt 'em
That yo ain't hex wid 'em
And do Lawd come yoself,
Don't send yo son,
Cause dis ain't no place for chillen.'

-prayer following earthquake of 1866,
charleston, south carolina, composed by slaves

I have created a new section for all to see. I have entitled it "Dear God". It’s kind of like "A rantin' and a ravin'" only with a tone of less urgency or importance. Enjoy.

For years, going on decades, I have been objectified. And I have hated every minuet of it. Shocking, I know. I couldn’t understand how one human being could do that to another. I just couldn’t make sense of it. But recently I have caught myself doing almost the exact same thing. I have become what I hate. Honestly, I don’t know how I got there either. I will have to look deeper into that. Retrace my steps. Find an answer to how or why I let it happen. But that’s not the point I am trying to make here. To this one person that I have been objectifying, and for what it’s worth now, I want to apologize. If you get to read this, I think you know who you are. I would tell them personally but I think that at this point trying to confront this one on one may be a little inappropriate. Maybe it has taken me too long to realize it and the damage I have done is too far-gone. Maybe this apology will never find its recipient and I will fade into the past as the oppressive asshole. But if I have learned nothing else it is to learn from my past mistakes and I will try to never let it happen again. But this person didn’t deserve it, I don’t deserve it, and nobody else should have to go through it.

A few days ago, at work, I passed one of the ballrooms that were hosting a seminar. The sign on the door read ‘quite please. Do not disturb.’ So, I being my usual curious self peaked in through the crack between the double doors. What the seminar was for was hypnotism for weight loss. It was one of the saddest things I think I ever saw. This room was bulging at the seams, no pun intended, well maybe a little, with overweigh people all listening intently to what this one man had to say. The desperation in that room could almost smack you in the face. All of these fat people had loss all hope. There was neither confidence nor acceptance. Just lost soul after lost soul praying that it would work out this time. They had no where else to turn. For one reason or another they couldn’t find an answer themselves so they have to jump from outrageous diet to workout video to seminars. All this just, not only gain acceptance from the world, but acceptance of themselves. Now, I think that it is all right to make fun of people. But I do think that there are certain guidelines one should follow and lines that shouldn’t be crossed at all. One of mine are if you are going to make fun of someone be prepared to make fun of yourself. Now, I think that everyone that knows me will agree that I have no problem pointing out my flaws and making a joke of them. I think I do it quite well thank you. Another rule is not to become malicious with your joking. Sure it seems funny, but if you take it too far the person with feel alienated. This is one of the causes of a person to lose his or her own acceptance of themselves. And it’s sad that they have to pay sixty or so dollars to regain their pass back into the human race.

‘Smile and enjoy it for now and save your tears till the end. Cry when you have the time to waste on it. And perhaps the end will never come and you’ll never have to cry about it again.’

My favorite line of all time:

'Yeah, well, i am an Anderson after all.'

So, my friends and I were down in the District of Rock Island. And as we sat there we got on the subject of The Muppet Show. Then we couldn't think of the name of the two old men in the balcony that always had some sort of smartassed comment to make. Any way my brother and our friend Ahz walked all over the district asking drunken people what their names were. No one knew.

So this is what they look like.

Their names, my friends, are Waldorf and Statler.