'(It) is like being born invisible and one day while walking down the street a man runs into you. Then he turns and actually looks into your eyes and says, “Oh, excuse me, sir.”’

fortune cookie says:

'There is a prospect of a thrilling time ahead for you.'

Today at my job I had to work a banquet. It was a room filled to the brim with 60+ year olds. And if you wouldn’t have guess, they had an eight piece polka band playing as the entertainment. At the front of the band stood their singer. He was wrinkled and skinny and glasses slipping down to the tip of his nose. He had to be at lest 85 or 90 years old. Anyway, in the first song he sang he muttered a lot and forgot a lot of the words as the band played on. But he was smiling the whole time. The only words that I could understand were in the chorus, which he remembered every time. He would sing "happy, happy, happy.” And he was. It was one of the cutest things I have ever seen. Tell it like it is my elderly, glaucoma ridden, social security check collecting brotha.

What in the hell? Two fortunes in one cookie? It’s like a pathetic and horribly unimaginative dream come true.

fortune cookie says:

'Practice makes perfect.'
Yeah, no shit.

and:

'Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation.'

So, I was watching TV the other day. On this show, two secret agents, a man and a woman, were protecting a college professor. The two agents decided to take turns running surveillance. The woman went first. As she watched the professor, the man they were protecting him from came up behind her and knocked her out.

I tell ya. Writers today are so far fetched. I don’t know where they went to school but at any college I have ever been to, if a woman was standing in an open area, in the middle of the day and some man strolled up behind her and knocked her out there would be no way he would live to see the next day, let alone have the time to kidnap a professor. Because if another women happened to witness this, just one woman, within a matter of seconds a horde of ardent feminist and butch dykes the size of cement trucks would be beating the high holy shit out of this poor misguided bastard with their colossal picket signs.

Oh dear sweet god in heaven! I think it was those last three screwdrivers and that shot of tequila that did it.

Today at work I passed these two women in the hall. As I walked by I heard one of the women say ‘Oh yeah, thank god for jazzercise.’ Um, what? If only I knew what the rest of the conversation was I might not still be haunted by that phrase.

Have any of you noticed how very wrong the Disney catalog actually is? Sure. It seems fun and innocent but have you ever really looked at it? All it is is a fantasy handbook that covers every maladjusted fiend and sexual deviance from A to Z.

Hang your head in shame Mickey. Hang your head in unbearable shame.

The Associated Press

‘NEW YORK – Victims of clergy sexual abuse asked Roman Catholic bishops in about 20 cities Thursday to help them lobby state legislators to make it easier to prosecute errant priests.

The Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests (SNAP) said it is undertaking the effort now because it thinks U.S. bishops will fail to set an abuse policy that fully protects children…’

Now I know what you are going to say ‘Anthony, you totally missed the point of that article.’ But I have to say it. Now I know I should be focusing in on the actual report but come on. SNAP? What are you people doing? If you are going to have an acronym be effective with it. Like MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Those soccer moms are really pissed off, or ‘mad’, at drunk drivers. See how that works? But when I hear a name like SNAP I can only imagine that this advocacy group is made up purely of black women. There are going to be a hundred or so African American women storming the Vatican just so they can have the Pope “talk to the hand”. If this is the case, why did they stop with SNAP when they could have taken it to the next level and have become extremely intimidating? I suggest they try African Women Not Appeased With Young Orifices Unscrupulously Defiled In Nasty-ass Tabernacles (AW NAW YOU DIN’T). You go girl.

Men don’t make passes
At women in glasses
And reading is always passe
But when I’m rejected
I don’t get dejected
‘Cause the library’s just a few block away.
And might live my whole life
And never be asked to dance.
Well I’ve always been witty
And some day I’ll be pretty
And you’ll be sorry that you missed your chance.

-a song by Julie Jurgens-

I just really like that song. trust me it sounds even better when it's sung. thanks Julie.

'To forget your past is to murder your future.'

Service with a smile?
What if it is because they
just spit in your food?

what’s that on your breath?
you are a horrible drunk
so drink, you drunk, drink

one, two, three, four, five
one, two, three, four, five, seven
no six and it works

'If you remember nothing else always remember to bury your dead.'

hey all of you out there. i don't know how often you get to check out my weblog but write me sometime. i miss you all very much. tell me what's going on in your lives. or better yet, make up a horrible story so i can compare it to my life and feel better about myself. anyway when will you guys be in savanna. maybe there will be a time we can all get together and raise some hell like in the old days. and by that I mean getting drunk and talking about how much we hate savanna. ah memories.

'When you are at a loss and looking for answers never turn to the man that knows it all.'

'They ain't called heartbreakers for their degree in cardiology'

since nothing happens in my life to speak of i have decided to share with you my philosophies that i have created over the years. so, ENJOY.

"When life gives you lemons.....

cut the lemons open and rub them in life's eyes

the citric acid will burn in life's eyes and make it cry. while its vision is blurred with bitter, bitter tears you are free to piss on it or steal its wallet."

"When in Rome run like hell before they throw you to the lions."

Anthony

i will post more of them as the days roll on